blockage? NO WAY

My fiancee's parents are in LOVE with coffee. If you've ever read this blog, or drank coffee, you know what it can do to a colon. I've been spending the weekend (passover again) weekend up state in their house, and here it is monday morning, we're getting ready to leave and my blow-hole has been churning for the past 72 hours. Here I am sitting in front of her Dads computer and tootin' away into his chair, they keep walking by talking to me about various things and I'm like "uh huh" as I slowly carefully, safely let little toots out into the comfy desk chair. Meanwhile the bathroom is occupied and I'm about dying to get my passover seder food from last night started on it's long trip to the hudson river, (IF you know what I mean). I was woken last night in the midst of a dream about old faithful by what might have been considered the most window rattling gas I've ever had. the windows were closed but the shades were still moving when I was roused by the vibrations of the bed.
I'm being called now to the can, I'm I think I can, no, I know I can, because there ain't no way i'm going to be able to retain this steamtrain full of salmon and kugel and chopped liver.
steamtrain.

april showers bring may asspiss

April 1, 11:58 pm. (okay, I realize that it tells you that I didn't actually post at 11:58 pm april 1, but consider this my april fools joke to you, as was my april 2 to me because of the foreward mentioned 7 incidents of green meat asspiss)...I may as well have called it Shaturday. I counted and I was called to the can a grand total of 7 times. I don't know what it was that I ate on Friday, but whatever it was, most of it either came out burning or neon orange, and once it was purplish with some green. That might have been the salad I had. See I work in the Museum of modern Art, which I think I may have mentioned, and I eat what they give or what I can scavenge. But here's the thing. Friday, it's weird, cause every other day I eat at 10 am, and friday I eat around 4:30. "Why's that weird?" you may ask. Well...I'll tell you...it's because at 10 am there's everyone on shift eating, at 4:30 ISH it's whoever is working the night, and the food was cooked at 8 am, and you eat it, and whatever, but sometimes it's green. Now, I'm not going into the breakdown of what these people serve us on a daily basis, at least not in this post, but take my word for it, for the $1.85 they take out of our paycheck each day for it, it's probably still not worth it. And green meat is scary at any price.
Kirk, I know you know that.
Not that I've seen Kirk eat green meat, but I'm sure he would. If not for $1.85, then for the price of his next drink AFTER eating the green meat. Not that the green meat they serve us is bad, per se, because they serve it with Guacamole, which, BTW is made of avocadoes (if in fact it IS spelled avocadoes).
God, can I blather anymore about nothing? not right now.

crap! I haven't done this in moths

And I've been totally wrong.
I haven't pooped on this thing in what doctors would say is an inhumanly impossible amount of time to not have pooped. So if this blog was in fact my lower GI, i would be dead. Alas, I'm not dead. I've only been imitating a bear, who goes into hibernation. Which brings me to the poop.
"While hibernating their heart rate, body temperature, and other body functions slow down almost eliminating their need for food and water."
http://www.iwebquest.com/denali/details/grizzly.htm
while the quote says almost eliminating their need for food and water, the word elimitating to me, of course, is a double entendre, meaning, as well as eliminating their need for food, they are also eliminating their need for eliminating. While I in my absence (sp?) of eliminating my need for writing in this blog have not eliminated my need for food and water, therefore have not eliminated my need for pooping and therefore my need for eliminating my need to vent about my need to poop have not altogether eliminated my need to poop, because I have not in fact eliminated my need to eat. In whichever case if at this point in this newest of posts ever so necessary because of the winterly absence (once again sp?) of my posts about my poops I have managed to eliminate the need for you to follow what it is I may actually be posting about, I do forgive you for losing my train of thought. After all this post is about me, and not you and if you can't follow it, I'm sorry, but tought shit. Which brings me to another lame excuse about why i haven't written since last july, or is it august? 7 is july isn't it. Kirk. Kirk Bravender is the reason I haven't written a post.
Now Kirk, Kirk my man. Before you take two steps back from your monitor and go, "WHAT THE HELL IS HACK TALKING ABOUT, I HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD FROM HIM", I must ask you to give me a chance to {expell} explain. Kirk, my man. You love me, and I know that. Jenn, you, my [#2] Fan (no offense, none taken) please understand. Kirk, you love the asspiss.
Part 2 is I have a fear of success. Kirk.
Kirk...my man, my ... [No 1] fan. You're pee.
(I know you hear me laughing).
Jenn, you know what you are.
Kirk, being my number one fan, you have to understand that as my number one fan you are actually my best fan for this site. The problem with this is that I've always had a fear of success. The fact that I have a number one fan on my blog called ass piss that is all about my lower GI makes {made} me feel like I had made it.
What I have come to realise is that to build a fanship, a fandom, a realm of fanatics, if you will, there needs to be anticip.
.
.
.
ation.
You, KIRK. KIRK BRAVENDER, have tought me the length of time it takes to build such ant...well, you know.
So...as you have it, as you have written, and requested, (a while ago, lending to my thesis) here is the first of what is to be a new floodgate of asspiss posts.
Kirk, it's all your fault. anyone reads this and wants kirks contact info, I'm all about it, so let me know.
Love you,
love poop.
Asspiss OUT!

the aristocrats

So, the scene is a casting agent. A family walks in. There's the mom and dad, daughter, son, both around early teen age, and they have a baby which is hanging in a sling from the mother, suckling on it's breast. The father says "Hello. We have the best act you've ever seen, in fact, anyone has ever seen in the history of the world." The agent looks at them and sighs. "Well...go ahead"
"Are you ready?" asks the dad. "I'm ready Dad!" says the son. And the agent says, "Well. Let's see what you've got." So, the son pulls his pants down and the Dad and Mom get in formation behind him while the sister runs and turns on the tape on the boom box they brought it. Then the daughter runs round the front of the brother and lies down between his legs with her head up facing him and he pulls his pants down and starts to pee into her mouth. She starts gargling and the mom and dad hold hands and start spinning around hand in hand while the moms skirt falls to her ankles and the dad's pants fall around his. There they are spinning in their undies while the son is peeing in the daughters mouth and the baby is hanging from the mothers tit sucking like nothing else.
Then the son finishes singing and the music on the tape builds. The mom and dad run around front of the two kids and clasp each other and rip each others shirts off. The Mother has no bra on and her tits go flopping out and the dad's hairy chest is out there for all to see. The brother finishes peeing by holding his cock and stroking it to strain the last little drops of pee into the daughters mouth which she swallows gleefully as the mom and dad standing side by side facing each other rip each others underwear off. So they're standing there naked, the baby still suckling from the mothers tit and the son and daughter stand up, run around to the side of the mother and father and they all turn to face the agent. They hold hands and start kicking. As it turns out both the mother AND the daughter are having their period and there's blood starting to drip down both of their legs as the whole family starts to kick like the rockettes along with the music. Little droplettes of blood start flicking off their leggs and hitting the agent, and the walls of the agents office and his smile only widens. The mother puts the baby down in front of them front and center and stands over him and starts to simulate childbirth. Clods of blod start falling out of her vagina onto the baby and the baby lying ther laps them up into his mouth. The son and daughter start giggling in rythym with the music and the dad falls in behind the mom and stuffs his now hard cock into her dry scrathcy asshole. She screams and a huge clot of blood spurts out onto the baby's face. The mother bends down and picks up the baby and the three of them step back while the daughter and son come around frontstage. The daughter lays on the floor and with her right hand smears her period blood all over her stomach and tit buds. Now she's lying on her back perpendicular to the agent and she tilts her head back and the brother comes round on top of her. He starts stroking his penis and then comes all over her, and she rubs his come and her period blood all over her stomach and tits while smiling upside down at the agent. Meanwhile the mom and dad have pulled a huge double headed black dildo out of their prop bag and the dad has shoved half of it up his ass and the mom is trying to plant the baby on the other side of it by shoving it up HIS ass. The baby looks like it's stuck to the dads ass and he walks around in circles around his daughter on his hands and feet saying "poop! Poop! Poop!' with his baby hanging off his asshole by a big black dildo. The baby is screaming and throwing up at the same time and the mom is running with them trying to catch all the baby's throwup in her mouth. When she gets a whole mouthful, she frenches her son and spits it all into his mouth. The the son takes the mouth full of baby puke and bends down and spits it into the daughter who says "I'm old faithful".
This whole time the casting agent is watching with wide eyes and then the dad reaches around and pulls his baby with the dildo hangin out of his ass out of his own ass and holds him up. There's dad blood dripping off the dildo. The dad holds the baby up and the son sits on the floor behind him and shoves his head through his dads legs. The mom and daughter line up behind them and both bend out the left and right side of the dad and son and while the dad holds the baby up above his head he screams "ASS RAPE OF CHILDREN IS WHY WE SURVIVE".
They pause and the music on the boom box stops and the agent looks at them for a long long time. He sighs. Then the agent says "I think you've got something there, what do you call it.?" The dad, huffing and puffing and holding the baby with blood dripping out of his ass cause the dildo has fallen out says, "The aristocrats!"

I haven't crapped in weeks

And I found something, thanks to sick twisted people I know named Kirk, that's gonna make me poop'em while I'm asleep tonight.

Apparently this is the new thing around the web.

I think APHEX TWIN has my nuts in a vice.

But my sphincter is loose as a sausage makers thumb and forefinger when he brings them together to make sausage as it shoots out of that "THING" that throws up ground meat.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/rubberjohnny.html

barf